I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
