She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
