How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize