I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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