My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize