I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I need water and some morals
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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