Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I don't deserve a penis
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
