Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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