did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
