some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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