Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
