My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
