RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize