Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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