that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You were trust falling into bushes
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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