i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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