I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
