i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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