Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
