I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize