Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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