Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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