you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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