PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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