i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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