Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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