I wish I could punch you in the face.
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
