I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
