If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
