i need an iv and a liver transplant
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He? As in you personified your dick?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Randomize