so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
My liver is preforming stress tests.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
