Pappa wants mamma naked
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
