Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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