i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
