I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I'm having to shit out rocks
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
