we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
