Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize