Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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