Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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