my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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