i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
