he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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