the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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