Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
