hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Terrible idea I love it
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
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