He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
