I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
