i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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