Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
