you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
