Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You pole danced in your parka.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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