Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
