Whats the glycemic index on semen?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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