Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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