i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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