He uses pillows to masturbate.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
