I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
