I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
