Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
