This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize